Ultraman World Championship, 2015

Oprah Winfrey returns to conduct one of her in depth hard hitting interviews with a world famous athlete.

Oprah: Please welcome to the show, the one and only, Mr. Ultra Cool himself, Mr. David Kalinowski.
Audience: Wild applause, screaming women & mayhem.

Oprah: Audience, please calm down. We want David to feel relaxed. He is not quite used to such adulation.

David: Actually I am but thanks anyway Oprah. And you can call me Dave.

Oprah: Now you have an interesting name, how do you pronounce it?

Dave: It’s easy Oprah; “Dave” is how it’s pronounced, with just one syllable. “Dave”. Now you try it.

Oprah: I meant..never mind. Your surname “Kalinowski”, where did it come from, what’s the history behind it?

Dave: It was actually my father’s surname. So he gave me the same name when I was born.

Oprah: Okay, enough of the in depth personal history. I understand you are world famous in an event called the Ultraman. What exactly does this event entail?


Dave: Basically, lots of pain and suffering. 3 days of it. 

Oprah: Could you elaborate a little? Maybe lets start with the technical details.

Dave: It’s sort of like 2 ironman races over 3 days. On day one, we drink seawater for 10km, and then we jump on a bike and ride for 145km, throwing up all the seawater we drank.

On day 2, we climb back on the bike, and pedal, and pedal, and pedal until we can pedal no more. Or until we have covered 275km, which ever comes first.

On day 3, we slow things down, and try and avoid becoming roadkill, as we run 84km down the middle of the road.

Oprah: What inspired you to take up such an event?

Dave: Well, I tried shorter sprint events, like Ironman, & I wasn’t very good at them. So I decided to try an endurance event, a chance to question my sanity.

Oprah: And out of the billions of people in the world, where do you rank in this event?

Dave: Not trying to talk myself up, but I think I could finish in the first 45 of any of these races held around the world.

Oprah: First 45 in the world, that’s pretty good. Now according to my notes, you are a little better than top 45, and quite humble about your achievements. You’ve done 2 races, and finished on the podium both times, 1st & 2nd. You must have earned a large fortune in prize money.

Dave: Not quite, unlike you Oprah, who earns mega millions, us Ultraman athletes simply do it for the love of it.

Oprah: Now I understand that you are involved in changing the face of Ultraman, you are the “Chosen One”, to take this sport to the world and make it cool.

Dave: Yes, that is correct.

Oprah: And that you even have somewhat of a following out there in Ultraman land, complete with your own “Ultra Cool Dave” merchandise and large fan base. And you have bought a couple of your fans along with you tonight.


Dave: Not fans, these are my support crew Mel & Max.

Oprah: Ah, I’ve heard all about these two, I believe they are the most famous ultraman support crew in the world. And what exactly is their role in your team?

Dave: Just to look beautiful. And to chant “Go Dave!” when I am out on the course. “Go Dave!” “Go Dave!”

Oprah: And that’s all?

Dave: Pretty much. Okay, they do a bit more than that. They make it all happen. They are both the beauty and the brains behind my whole show. They prepare all the meals, tell me when to eat, swim, cycle and run. And when to go to the loo. I’d be lost without them. They can even change wheels and tyres, quite amazing!

Oprah: And what do you bring to your team?

Dave: Charisma, Oprah, Charisma.

Oprah: Are there any others involved in Team Kalinowski

Dave: Absolutely. There are a few that I would do long training rides with. And my two support runners, Andrew Fuller and Matt Breakspear.

Oprah: Now I understand your team received a caution for poor sportsmanship due to one of your team members.

Dave: It was just a minor misunderstanding. One of the other teams had no sense of humour. They couldn’t take a joke. Fuller had promised me he could tell some awesomely funny jokes, so I thought it would be a good idea to get him to tell them to my competitors, so they would be rolling around the road laughing, and getting run over, instead of running.

Oprah: But that didn’t happen?

Dave: No, his jokes were so bad, my competitors sped up, just to get away from him.

Oprah: I believe the conditions in Hawaii were pretty easy on competitors this year.

Dave: Not quite sure of your understanding of the word easy. If by easy you mean Somali pirates hijacking the swim support kayak, gale force winds, driving rain, pot holes, wet and slippery roads, followed by searing heat, then yes, I guess it was easy.

Oprah: Is it true, that at one stage of the race, that you were pushed to the limit so much, that you tried to end your life, by trying to run a large truck down?

Dave: Just all part of the fun Oprah, all part of the fun.


Oprah: World Champs: 2nd place. Back next year for 1st?

Dave: Not so fast Oprah. Firstly, I would just like to try to learn how to walk again. Then we’ll see what the future holds. But yes, I’ll be back. I left my heart and soul out there on the lava fields so I have to go back to find them.
Never knew suffering could be so much fun.

And, last but not least, I should thank my sponsors and supporters, Ventum, Aquashop, BlueSeventy, Fitnance,
Red Dog and my support crew. 

And if there are any sponsors out there that want to be part of the “Ultra Cool Dave” World, give me a call.

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